Calli wants me to do this... So, since I love her.... I will!!!

Well, where to begin. We are beginning a new chapter in our lives. We are moving to Mackay Idaho to start living the dream.... I will be working for Moj Brodie on his ranch and living in a very small and old home with my expecting wife. It should be great! I have been wanting to do this for some time now. Just today I was hanging out with my neighbor who is an old cowboy and has really been around the block. I was looking through his old tack and I bought a pair of spurs and he gave me an old antique bit that will be worth something in about 40 years. I am excited but very afraid also.. I just want to be good at it but I need more experience. I just about have all the stuff I need, but I'm feeling a little selfish because I have no problem buying all this stuff I need for work and when we start talking about baby expenses I don't want to spend a dime. That's a really bad habit and I need to fix that soon. Maybe my love for our new born will cause that to disappear. I hope! Good thing Calli is good at making me think anything she needs is what I need or else she would have nothing at all. I'm so glad I married her. She is the frugal one and I am the spender. If I would have married a needy woman I would have no money in the bank at all.

Babies

 When I was younger, I always pictured myself growing up, getting married and having kids. Funny how life really works. I always expected to say, "I think we're ready for a kid now" and ta da! there it is! For us, that's not quite the way it turned out. 

Once we decided we were ready to have children, I got pregnant pretty easily. The day I took the pregnancy test I ran around shrieking for joy. Life seemed to be working out just perfectly. Eight weeks later however, I was devastated when the spotting turned to bleeding and everything I had begun envisioning for our future was lost. I never expected anything like that to happen to me. I was supposed to be a mom. I was supposed to be the one that had lots of kids and loved it. How could this happen to me? The shock warred with sadness and anger. I was an emotional wreck. I didn't want anyone to comfort me. I cried when I was alone and no one could see. Every story people told of their miscarriages only fueled my unhappiness. After all, they all had children now an most of them acted as though the miscarriage was no big deal. It felt like a big deal to me. I missed my baby. I wanted it. 

 I did research to find every possible cause to make sure I hadn't done something wrong. I found that most women have at least one miscarriage and chances of two in a row are very small. I used that to comfort myself and after a time I began to be able to breathe again.

Two months later we decided to try again and we were again very successful in getting pregnant. This time however, I couldn't allow myself to get as emotionally involved. I had a wall up, "just in case."  I was so scared of a repeat that I kept myself distant from the pregnancy, from my spouse, from everything. Whether good or bad, I feel that that behavior was the only thing that saved me when a repeat started to happen. The morning sickness abruptly stopped and I could feel the pattern repeating. Again at about eight weeks, I lost my baby.

I was convinced I never wanted to try again but luckily my husband was very strong and convinced me I was too. I found a doctor in Utah that specializes in hormones. By this time I had an idea that I lacked progesterone. She took several months to get in to and a couple days before my appointment, I discovered I was again pregnant. She prescribed some progesterone for me immediately and I tentatively stepped into the next potential heart break. 

At points early in the pregnancy, I even convinced myself I didn't want a child. I believe I was preparing myself to lose it. I even told my husband that if we lost this one it was "three strikes you're out" and I wouldn't try again. 

The symptoms I had had with the first two pregnancies didn't appear with this one. I had no morning sickness at all. I wasn't exhausted. I should have appreciated this but it made me more apprehensive because I knew it would be harder to feel when the baby was gone. I didn't tell anyone but my husband that I was pregnant. I couldn't stand another round of people's pity.

When I passed eight weeks, I was astounded. I never expected to make it that far. After passing twelve weeks, I began to believe this might actually happen and I did something very dangerous. I began to hope. I set a doctor's appointment. I let a few other people know I was expecting. I allowed some excitement to creep in. I let myself want the baby. 

On May 10, 2012, I heard my baby's heartbeat. It was the most amazing sound I had ever heard. I wanted to laugh and cry and dance and scream all at once. Fifteen weeks and it had a strong, loud heartbeat. I haven't actually held my child in my arms yet but now I allow myself to believe I will. Has it been the road I expected, the road I hoped for? No. But it has been the road I needed to travel. 

Rewind (the lost post)

So I decided I should probably back up just a bit to tell Austin and I's story. We met at age 14 at a Stake Dance in Elko. (He did NOT make a good first impression but luckily I find giving a second chance to cute young men rather easily.) I moved into his school in Wells about 7 months into our Freshmen school year. He not only remembered me and my name but the clothes I had been wearing, and this was after cutting off almost a foot of hair. Kids I had been going to school with in Spring Creek had a hard time recognizing me! We had a lot of classes together (thanks to the tiny school) and became best friends. This was of course during the time I thought guys and girls could be friends.  The below video will prove that theory wrong. I only wish I had seen it then!

Near the beginning of Junior year I moved to Idaho but Austin called me most every Sunday and we would talk for hours. He even came to my high school graduation. We almost went to college together but somehow that just didn't work out. He would drive 6 hours to St. George just to visit me though. (Can you believe, during all this time, I didn't know he liked me?!)
Well soon enough, he left for his mission...

...and after he had been serving for nearly a year, I saw that picture and finally wrote him. We continued to write (a very slow process with him being in Brazil and all) and even after I left on my mission it continued. 

It took a year after his return home for me to join him but it was not time wasted. Through letters we talked through important decisions and deal breakers and by the time I got back to the west coast, he had a ring. He was living in Utah and I in Idaho. He came to see me and hear my homecoming talk. The next weekend was my turn to visit. I also had some other friends to visit and we decided to go as a group to the Provo Temple. Somehow, Katie and I made it in one session and Austin ended up in another. It was disappointing but he and I decided to go again the next day, just the two of us, in the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. We went that morning and I decided for certain that I wanted to marry him. We spent the rest of the day with his family and solidified that decision. 

I had left my car at the temple and when he dropped me back off that night, he got out to "get my door". He played the first song we danced to the first night we met and then with voice and hands shaking, he proposed. Nine days after getting home I was engaged. I initially wanted an 11/11/11 wedding (I mean how cool is that?!) but he refused. He would have married me within 2 weeks! So we compromised and settled on 7/29/11. Soon afterwards, I discovered I am a push over. Somehow, we were married on 4/1/11...which I think is more fitting anyway, in the very temple I decided I would definitely marry him.

Mishaps

Believe it or not, I tried to post on here earlier, although I know that doesn't remove my slacker status. Somehow, it was deleted in the middle of working on it. Oh well. Can't even remember what it was about. Must have been important. :) Anyway, I'm on to a totally new topic today.
I would like to address the changes life takes after marriage. Pre-marriage, I engaged in such crafts as shown above. I road tripped with my niefews (gender neutral of niece and nephew) and sister-in-law Natalie (who is probably the only person who has even read this). Man, I even had time to spend beating my parents and sister at Rook! That is not an easy feat considering that my dad creates rules that only he can win at. 

Now that I'm married, life has changed for the better in a lot of ways and for the stranger in a lot of others. You see I married a habitual sleep walker.  Here is a picture I took of one of the many instances. He believed the light was dripping chocolate all over me and he had to stop it. (This is a light on our ceiling.) He went and found a plastic grocery bag and placed it over the light in order to protect me. As I said, this happens often. When he is stressed, it's a nightly or multi-time nightly occurrence. Everything from holding up walls to wrapping me snugly in the covers to protect me before he turns on the light. 


Another of the new developments: I'm always on the lookout for open drawers, cupboards, anything! I only hit my head once and ever since I keep the look out. I close his dresser drawers at least 2-5 times a day because, as poorly pictured, he has a hard time remembering to do so.


However, marriage has a lot of less strange changes as well. One of my favorites is in-laws. I couldn't have picked better ones! Debbie is a great cook with one hang up. She doesn't use recipes so I can't duplicate it. Here we had been invited over for her beyond beautiful bbq pork ribs. The first time I had them, I thought I might die from their deliciousness. They're messy and sticky and saucy and perfect!


I also somehow wrangled the sweetest, most thoughtful husband out there. He is full of the sweetest gestures. Anything from picking or buying flowers to finding a heart shaped cereal flake and saving it to give it to me. 

He helps cook and clean and doesn't even have to be asked. Its better than a mission companion! It's these little things that make it easy to be married. 
I don't know what exactly it is that causes the changes. I'm not the only one to notice though. Couples everywhere notice after marriage they aren't the people they were before. Somehow staying awake past 9:00 becomes painful, even when studying VERY important literature. 

Somehow I went from helping my parents raise a very successful garden for 20ish years to having this as our entire garden crop...not even just the entire potato crop but the entire GARDEN crop. Marriage creates so many different interests that somehow, gardening just got dropped.

 The change I think I enjoy the very most is that I'm no longer alone. No matter what I want to do, he will do it with me. He drags me EVERYWHERE with him.  We can be in the middle of nowhere, on a mountain somewhere, and he's right there beside me. That makes every banged knee or forehead worth it.